I've always known I wanted to be a mother. Since I was young, I’d always envisioned myself raising a child — I’d have dreams about their first steps and high school graduation that felt tangible.

But by the time I turned 35, I had yet to meet a partner I wanted to start a family with. I made the decision then that I didn’t want to wait — I wanted to become a single mother by choice (or SMBC, as it is often referred to in support groups online). That meant I would have to go through the grueling process of fertility treatments to try to conceive (TTC in those same online forums) using a sperm donor. I wasn’t ready, however, to give up the possibility of finding the love of my life.

I feel secure that I'm emotionally and financially capable of being a single mother. It's empowering to choose a path to parenthood on my own terms rather than waiting for the perfect person to manifest before starting a family. I don't believe I need a partner to be an amazing mom. And neither do many other single women who are also choosing this path to parenthood. As of 2023, 40% of all babies in the U.S. were born to unmarried women, with around 7.3 million American women raising children on their own.

By the time I was ready to start fertility treatments, I had decided to move back home to Uruguay, where I’m a dual citizen and fertility treatment is affordable and accessible for unmarried women. The process there requires months of testing, myriad procedures and a psychiatric evaluation, before the first attempted intrauterine insemination (IUI), wherein sperm — in my case, from a donor — is directly placed in the uterus. Since IUI has a 17% success rate, my path to motherhood felt like it might take months, if not years. As there was no guarantee IUI would work, the fertility specialist encouraged me to continue living my life as usual — including dating.

Choosing motherhood on my own timeline

Dr. Tamir Aldad, a New York-based psychiatrist, says he is seeing an increasing number of single women who neither want to delay starting families nor give up on finding their romantic partners. It’s perhaps in response to trying to reconcile the modern realities of dating — love doesn’t always follow a timeline — and biology. “This dual path can feel emotionally complex, but it's increasingly common,” Aldad said.

I followed my doctor's advice and went on dates with three different people as I went through fertility testing before my first IUI. But I hesitated to disclose my plans. I was genuinely interested in the people I was seeing, but within two to three dates, I didn't feel secure sharing personal, sensitive information with someone who was essentially still a stranger.

Some people prefer a more transparent approach from the outset. Cheri Bergeron, the Texas-based author of Mission: Motherhood, dated while pursuing IVF with her second child (she had her first with her now ex-husband). "I felt it best to be open from the beginning that I planned to get pregnant with an anonymous sperm donor, was financially independent and unapologetically pursuing motherhood on my own terms,” she says. “They were free to accept it or move on."

I hadn't been hiding my intention to start a family alone out of shame or fear of rejection. And it didn't exactly feel good to withhold such a significant part of my life. So on my next date, I decided to be open and honest.

I'd always dated with the goal of building a long-term relationship. But, as I was actively trying to become pregnant, it didn't feel fair to date seriously. I didn't want someone I'd just met to feel they had to be on board with parenting a child together. I switched my Bumble to say I was looking for "fun, casual dates" and swiped right on someone whose profile said the same.

It was incredibly nerve-wracking to tell someone I'd just met that I was actively TTC. Nonetheless, over dinner of Korean Japchae noodles, I told her how much I wanted to become a mother — and to do so soon — and she was instantly encouraging. She gushed about how brave I was and that she also wanted to be a mom, but didn't ever want to experience pregnancy. After dinner, when she kissed me, I was shocked. I had assumed my admission would be an immediate turn off.

A few weeks into dating, my now girlfriend told me she wanted to support me through the TTC process, even if we didn't continue dating. Fortunately, we’re still together and she's been to most of my doctors’ appointments, given me all of my stimulants and trigger shot injections, held my hand through all three medicated IUIs, and wiped my tears after each failed round. I've been fortunate to have met a partner who is fully supportive and encouraging.

The delicate dance of when to disclose

Beth Sadowsky, a life coach in Florida, similarly navigated fertility treatments while dating. "I realized if I kept waiting for the 'right' partner, that I might not be able to conceive a child. So instead of letting my timeline be held hostage by someone else's readiness, I chose to take ownership of my path," she says. "Some men were intrigued, intimidated, curious or dismissive about my plans to become a mother with or without a partner."

Sadowsky disclosed her plans to become a single mom by the third date as she felt there was "enough time to see if there was basic compatibility, but not so late that it felt like a plot twist. I wanted them to get to know me, not my ovaries." She found TTC to be emotionally and physically demanding so if someone rejected her because she was pursuing motherhood, she knew they were doing her a favor.

Aldad suggests disclosing plans to become a SMBC before the fifth date. "By then, you have enough sense of the person to know if they're emotionally safe," he says. "I encourage direct, calm, non-apologetic language. You aren't asking for permission. You're sharing relevant information about your life. You may share that you're actively trying to conceive — that this isn't hypothetical, it's reality. Be very clear whether you envision them as potentially involved or that you're doing this independently."

While the pipeline from trying-to-conceive to single-mother-by-choice is becoming more common, it can still feel isolating, even while dating. Bergeron leaned on communities like SMC Forum and r/SingleMothersbyChoice for support. Personally, I've made connections in Facebook groups specific to my demographics, including IUI over 35 and TTC LGBT IUI IVF.

My insurance requires me to move on to IVF after three failed rounds of IUI. I'm hopeful 2026 will be the year I welcome a new baby into my life. The path to parenthood has been anything but easy, but I'm grateful I stopped waiting for the perfect relationship circumstances to pursue motherhood. And, I might just have been lucky enough to have met a potential long-term partner since I took the chance to date while single and pursuing my dream of motherhood.